I probably only watched about 30 seconds of Charmed - no exaggeration, no word of a lie. I just turned on to it as Paige was reunited with her dead, ghostly parents who tell her they ‘know who she’s become’ they’ve ‘always been watching her’ and ‘they’re proud of her’. That’s all in took to have big fat, silent tears rolling down my face. I can’t tell whether this is part of being a teenage girl or whether I have serious issues, anything involving a parent-child relationship or childhood toys and i’m bawling. Probably why the velveteen rabbit had me crying like a baby, seriously couldn’t even see the screen through my tears. I feel quite silly.

Who I am today, is not who i’m going to be tomorrow. I can tell you who i am right now, in this moment in time, on this day but i can’t say who i’ll be tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after, or five years from now. I change all the time, i’ve got a basic structure, my core beliefs and values are written on my bones, and they’re never going to change, but everything else is still moving while i’m growing and experiencing.. so i’m going to tell you who I am today, and tomorrow i can tell you who I am then and maybe after a while a pattern will emerge and i’ll realise that i’m starting to be the same person every day, then i’ll know who i am.

Nice?

I can’t decide if i’m nice or not. I think people just throw around the word nice like it doesn’t really mean anything, people presume that if you’re not mean, then you must be nice, but is that necessarily true? I’m quite sure i’m not mean, i’d never go out of my way to be horrible to somebody, but does that mean i’m the complete opposite? that i’m a nice person? do i put others before myself? do i value other people’s thoughts more than my own? I’d like to say yes, i think I can sometimes be that person, but it’s a word i think about a lot and something i strive to be rather than just expect, doing nice things every now and again doesn’t make you nice, it has to be something that’s just part of who you are, i hope i am. Can i call myself nice today though? I’m not sure, sometimes i worry that even though i’m doing something that’s nice, i’m doing it not because the other person will be happy, but because i’ll feel good about myself for helping them, but it can be a small difference sometimes.

Confident?

I’m more confident at the moment than i ever have been before, and that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t always make me feel happy, i have this fear of being perceived as arrogant, which doesn’t really make much sense as i pretend to me quite a bit - probably only because i know i have a bit of a posh voice and it sounds quite convincing coming from me :D I used to hate a lot about me and get really upset about the way i looked and the way i spoke and how much space i seem to take up in a room, and obviously i still feel the same way sometimes, but i don’t feel like that all the time. I can look in the mirror and feel okay about myself, which can be great, but just as often makes me feel like i’m becoming too confident and i’ll start loving and valuing myself above everyone else. Probably unlikely but that’s just who i am today.

Religious?

Ah, such a hard one. I believe in God, but i wish i believed with the absolute certainty some people do. I think any faith I have is incredibly fragile but i want it to be strong! I think it’s because i think alot, and i question things, i find it really hard to fit myself into any one religion because i can’t and won’t bend what i believe to fit around what the religion teaches, and i won’t stop myself from thinking too much just incase I think about something that doesn’t make sense, or ask myself a question i don’t know the answer to. So i guess i’m kind of completely and totally unsure on this one.

to be continued..

I love passionate people, it doesn’t matter what they’re passionate about as long as there’s something. I like people who are capable of great feeling, but without being mushy. it’s good :)